Everything in my life had been calling for a change. My body had even given up as I developed a chronic condition because of the lifestyle choices I had made. Working long hours, exerting all of myself and neglecting my own basic needs. All because I loved my work. But the biggest lesson I had been learning was how to truly love myself.
I didn't know how I was going to create the change I needed in my life. My doctor had told me I needed to reduce my work hours, not work so late as to give my body the time it needed to decompress and to also make my health my priority, which meant giving myself back the time I so freely gave to others. And so when change came disguised as a relocation due to my partner's recent job promotion, it perhaps was not the change I had envisioned.
My initial reaction was pure resistance. After all, my thriving practice is here, my wellness community is here, everything I know is here. I was feeling my life fading into the background. So much uncertainty. I was confused and so very scared. Ahead of me, I had a pre-planned trip to the Philippines to reunite with my family. I wanted to use this time to get away from my day to day so I can see more clearly what was about to transpire. After ten days of releasing tension and finding comfort with my family, I knew that this move was actually the Universe presenting me with a miracle.
Magic is when you use your mind to tell the Universe what you want. A Miracle is when you ask the Universe what it wants and how you can serve it.
And so I came back from the Philippines, excited to see my man and ready for the next chapter in our lives. We packed up all of our material possessions and headed west. Still not without kicking and screaming but all because I was birthing a newborn me. The life I had worked so hard to create was being peeled away like an old scab revealing new skin. And yet still, as certain as I was about what I wanted, I continue to feel unsettled.
There is something so energetically beautiful about LA and being surrounded by warmth and sun and the air from the Pacific Ocean. I can also feel my family closer to me as they are scattered in San Francisco, Hawai'i and the Philippines. And my day is now filled with wonder and awe. It all continues to be surreal but a part of me continues to grieve for a life that I once had. No matter the harm it had caused me and even though I knew I was ready for what was next, a certain separation anxiety is consuming me as all of the choices I made day to day that served my purpose and passion, were gone.
When I wake up in the morning, I no longer think about the million tasks on my list and all of the work ahead of me, but I wonder, will today be cloudy? Where should I explore today? Should I meditate now or later? Google maps became my guide and I had to learn to slow down and listen to my needs, desires, wants. No longer consumed with what I should do or need to do but what I want to do. Sounds exciting doesn't it? But also so terrifying when you had been so disconnected from yourself for so long. There is so much fear in all of this and that is only because it is all unknown. And mostly because I started to realize that I built this full life serving others because I was afraid of these silent moments with myself.
And so, I have decided on some things to help support me. First, expressing my gratitude to the man I love for offering me this necessary opportunity to regain my health and purpose. For this I will forever be grateful. It is this Love that drives me. Second, I will call onto nature to support me. I am surrounded by great trail hikes and bike paths and the entire coastline! Aligning yourself with nature is the best way to get in tune with yourself as you allow your vibration to normalize. Third, I will offer my body healthy and supportive foods. I have found that the food culture here is so much more supportive of a healthy lifestyle with an abundance of locally grown and vibrant produce! And lastly, I choose to share how I feel. This is something very new to me but I can't keep living my life in silence about me. The best way to grow as a person is to allow yourself to be reflected upon another. And this happens through sharing. Sharing all of you including your fears and vulnerabilities.
I still don't know what lies ahead of me but everyday I am getting stronger. I no longer want to sleep all day and feed on salty chips when awake but I am ready to release my past, embrace the future and live in the now. I surrender. This is no longer about what I think I want but there is a stronger pull happening here. I am learning to listen.
More to come on this journey. I am so excited to learn more about myself and who I am becoming in this wide open space. I do hope you are too!
